My experience with dementia

Almost a year ago, my mother-in-law started having memory and functional issues. It started off mostly innocuous. She was having issues with technology. After her husband passed away almost 4 years ago and being in her 80’s, it was to be expected. She also was “retired” against her will almost a year ago. So, with her life changes, we expected a few challenges. But nothing prepared us for the issues she would have. She appears to have dementia due to her thought processes and lack of her ability to have clear sentences.

What is dementia?

According to an article by Medline Plus, “…dementia is a loss of mental functions that is severe enough to affect your daily life and activities.” These functions include:

Memory
Language skills
Visual perception (your ability to make sense of what you see)
Problem-solving
Trouble with everyday tasks
The ability to focus and pay attention

Loss of memory is the most obvious. When your loved one can’t remember family members or YOUR name, it can be disheartening. In my case, besides not being able to remember how a cell phone or computer work, she was unable to describe basic concepts. It can be very difficult trying to work describe her phone or computer when she was unable to follow our instructions.

My wife is taking the brunt of the issues

My wife is her primary family member in this area of the country. Her brother, her only other family member, is in Wyoming. My wife pays her bills and acts as her advocate whenever she needs it. She rents a home with two other women. Unfortunately, she is moving next month. Since she is unable to pack her things on her own, my wife is responsible for packing her belongings. She calls daily, sometimes more than once. Often it is just to say “hi,” but it’s often because she can’t remember how to do things. My wife is the main point of contact for things like internet access, telephone problems, and the TV. My wife travels to her house 30 minutes away to pick up her mail (she pays the bills) and help her pack.

My wife deals with her mom daily on things that she doesn’t remember. She gets frustrated when she can’t form a clear sentence. She’s as active as before, which is a problem. She tries to do things that are beyond her mental capacity.

My wife refuses to take her to the doctor

Despite my insistence, my wife refuses to take her to the doctor. Her excuse? That it would make her mom feel insecure and “less than”, causing her to regress further. She was also concerned about her losing her driver’s license, but she’s not driving anyway after an accident. There is a possibility that lifestyle changes will help her, but she needs a doctor to tell her that. Bottom line, she needs to see a doctor to receive the care she needs.

She’s moving in

Even though we don’t have enough room, we’re making plans for her to move in. My adult kids will need to make other arrangements. My concern is for my wife. She tends to lose patience with her mom, even when she’s at our house. This worries me for her mental health (my wife’s). She needs to figure out how to deal with her mom or take her to a doctor to get a plan going forward.

Doing so will help her mom by getting medication or making changes that will help her get better. I have hope that this will make things better and easier to deal with.

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